If you were like most children when you grew up, you probably thought your family was ‘normal.’ That’s because children believe that whatever they experience is ‘normal.’ They have no frame of reference to compare it against.
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I was definitely one of those children. I thought all fathers were angry and abusive. I thought everyone had older siblings who teased them unmercifully and laughed at their expense. I thought it was common to cry all the time and never be comforted or protected. It never occurred to me that my family was dysfunctional at the time. I thought that there was just something very wrong with me.
Surviving Emotionally
I went through my childhood and my adolescence just trying to survive emotionally in the best way I could. I became a ‘pleaser’ in an effort to feel loved. I worked hard to do the chores that were asked of me at home, so that I would belong and feel accepted. I did my best to excel in my class at school so that I would be noticed and approved of.
Yet more than anything, I just wanted to feel loved unconditionally. I wanted to know that someone thought I was lovable and that I had value and worth. I wanted to feel happy and excited and enjoy my life.
Becoming Depressed
I made it thought high school and college before I became completely depressed. At that time, I couldn’t find a job I liked even though I had graduated from college with honors. I was in a relationship with someone I thought I loved, but that relationship was clearly not working. I began questioning the meaning of life and wondering if it was all worth it.
Luckily I had an older brother who realized I was depressed and got me into a therapy group. That therapy group was a huge turning point in my life. I learned that I could express my feelings, and that when I did that, I felt lighter and happier. I began to realize that there was a reason for my depression and that perhaps my family was not as ‘normal’ as I had previously believed.
94% of Families are Dysfunctional
After I started to get better, I decided to become a psychotherapist and help others who were struggling emotionally, like I had struggled in the past. During that time, I read every book I could find on psychotherapy and I learned that 94% of families are actually ‘dysfunctional.’
The concept of ‘dysfunctional families’ was still a new idea at that time. The field of psychology was still learning about what caused the psychological problems and issues that many people were struggling with.
Defining a Dysfunctional Family
Still today, in my work as a psychotherapist, I find that many of my clients don’t understand the meaning of a ‘dysfunctional family.’ For that reason, I’ve created a definition of a dysfunctional family that will make it easier for you to understand.
A family becomes dysfunctional:
- When the unresolved emotional issues of one or both parents negatively affect the children
- When there is abuse, neglect, addiction, trauma, poverty, long-term illness, incarceration, unhealthy control, etc.
- When there is a lack of bonding, nurturing, protection and kindness
- When children’s feelings are not respected and their needs are not honored
- When there is poor communication or a lack of healthy conflict resolution
- When there is a lack of positive role modeling or healthy emotional guidance
Is Your Family Dysfunctional?
I’ve jokingly said that if 94% of families are dysfunctional, the other 6% are probably lying. That’s because no family is perfect. Every family has issues.
Certainly some of the family issues people experience are much more damaging than others. But if you want to get healthy emotionally, it certainly helps to face the truth about your family’s dysfunction, no matter how small it may seem in comparison to others.
Fortunately we have much more awareness about children’s emotional needs today than there was in the past. Families today can make a conscious effort to respect their children’s feelings and honor their children’s needs. Yet, if parents have not had the opportunity to heal their own childhood wounds, it’s likely that those emotional wounds will somehow affect their children.
Transforming Your Life
Following the growth path is all about facing and overcoming how your own dysfunctional family affected you. The good news is that it’s never too late to transform your life!
Simply becoming aware of what happened is a very important step towards healing. Thich Nhat Hanh said, “Awareness is like the sun. When it shines on things, they are transformed.”
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More Information:
For more information, you may also want to read some of Kari’s other posts:
10 Simple Ways to Love Yourself
Conquer Anxiety Through Personal Power
10 Tips for Creating a Better Life for Yourself
The Surprising Health Benefits of Laughter
This webpage has been added to my favorites. I can not wait to read more about this subject.
A real good message, analysis, simple and clear on dysfunctional families.
I believe it’s been over five years since I first discovered you & your wisdom online. I’m writing now to once again express my appreciation for all you do. Free online information but invaluable knowledge. Thank you from the depths of my heart… Sincerely, Carole
Hi Carole,
Thank you so much for your kind words! I greatly appreciate hearing that it makes a difference!
Have a beautiful day!
Kari Joys
I HAVE THREE SISTERS AN THREE BROTHERS. MANY NIECES AND NEPHEWS WHO BARELY KNOW ME… AND A MOM WHO WAS NEVER A MOM, BUT AN ABUSER, USER, MANIPULATOR, THE LIST COULD GO ON.
“I”, WAS REMINDED ON A DAILY BASIS, “I WAS A MISTAKE”. I WAS TREATED LITERALLY, LIKE “THE CHILD CALLED IT”, AND IN THE END, HAVE SOME PRETTY DEEP EMOTIONAL ISSUES BECAUSE OF IT. SHE IS MY ONE AND ONLY MOTHER, THE REASON I LIVE AND BREATHE TODAY AND ALL I TRULY WANT FOR HER, NOW…. IS WHAT I WANT FOR MYSELF. TO BE ABLE TO LIVE AND BREATHE A PEACEFUL AND CONTENT LIFE. ONE WITHOUT THE REMINDERS OF WHO YOU ARE OR WILL NEVER BE.
I HAVE LEARNED TO FORGIVE HER, BUT I CANT FORGET. THAT DOESN’T TAKE AWAY THE SCARS THAT ARE LEFT IN MY HEART AND SOUL. I KNOW WHY SHE WAS THE WAY SHE WAS. AN I FEEL THAT MY FULL HEALING BEGINS WITH HERS. MY SIBLINGS, SOME ARE IN PRISON, HAVE BEEN OR WENT BACK NOT LONG AFTER THEY WERE OUT. AND BECAUSE OF THE PAST, OTHER TRUST ISSUES, AND WITH THEM BEING INVOLVED IN SOME UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO CUT THEM OUT OF MY AND MY SON’S LIFE.
I ONLY TALK TO MY MOTHER OCCASIONALLY, WHENEVER I FEEL I CAN, BUT USUALLY END UP IN AN EMOTIONAL WRECK NOT LONG AFTER… WHICH IS WHY MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER CARED FOR MY FAMILY ANN HAS TRIED FOR YEARS TO KEEP THEM FROM CAUSING ME ANYMORE EMOTIONAL DISTRESS, BUT I’D ALWAYS END UP CONTACTING THEM, BC I FELT AN EMPTINESS AND GUILT FOR NOT HAVING THEM IN MY LIFE.
I WAS BLESSED TO HAVE MET A LOVING EXCEPTIONAL MAN/FAMILY WHO HAS HELPED KEEP ME SANE ALL THESE YEARS, AND WHO SEES THE GOOD IN ME AND HAS ALWAYS SAID THEY KNOW, WHERE I CAME FROM ISN’T WHO I AM. “IF ONLY THEY COULD FEEL WHAT I FEEL”. I LOVE AND CONSIDER THEM MY FAMILY, BUT HAVE ALSO CAUSED THEM SOME PAIN IN THE PAST, THAT THEY DID NOT DESERVE AT ALL, BUT THEY STUCK BY ME AND LOVED ME THROUGH IT. I AM THE ONE WHO EXPERIENCED MY CHILDHOOD, SO ALOT OF THE THINGS I HEAR FROM PEOPLE, IS MUCH MORE EASIER SAID THAN DONE.
I WILL BE 31 ON THE 21ST, AND IM A SUPER PROUD MOM AND WIFE. I DO BELIEVE THESE TWO THINGS ARE THE ONLY TINGS IM DOING RIGHT IN MY LIFE, BUT EVEN WITH THAT, KNOWING IM MISERABLE AND HAVE SO MANY NEGATIVE THOUGHTS GOING ON INSIDE, I STILL FEEL I HAVE NOT REACHED MY FULL POTENTIAL IN THAT AREA BECAUSE EVEN WHEN I TRY MY BEST TO HIDE MY FEELINGS, THEY KNOW… BECAUSE THEY DO LOVE ME.. I LIVE BY JEREMIAH 29:11. ITS MY LIFE VERSE, SO I HAVE NOT GIVEN UP THE HOPE OF WHAT THE LORD HAS IN STORE FOR ME, BUT I NEED HELP GETTING THERE. I’M STUCK WHERE IM AT THO. AT HOME EVERY DAY WITH THOUGHTS OF WHO ID LOVE TO BE, HOW MANY LOST PEOPLE I COULD HELP, AND TOO MUCH FEAR, PANIC AND ANXIETY TO DO IT; TO EVEN GO OUT AND DRIVE, TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL, AN TO WORK A JOB OUTSIDE OF MY HOME, IF NEED BE.
I KNOW MY TRAUMA IS THE REASON FOR THESE ISSUES AND AM SO TIRED OF IT DICTATING MY LIFE. I GUESS WHEN YOU’RE TOLD YOUR WHOLE CHILDHOOD “YOU ARE A MISTAKE AND TREATED AS IF ITS MY FAULT EVERYTHING HAPPENED THE WAY IT DID”… IT BECOMES NORMAL TO YOU, IT STICKS. I COULD GIVE OTHERS LIKE ME, SO MUCH HELP. I FEEL ITS MY CALLING, BUT HOW DO I LEARN TO GET PAST MY PAST IN ORDER TO DO THIS? I HAVE WENT TO GROUP SESSIONS, TALKED TO POSITIVE-MINDED PEOPLE; EVEN DID A FEW BIBLE STUDIES TO TRY AN LEARN HOW TO GET BETTER AND BE A GOOD CHRISTIAN, AND AT FIRST IT FELT LIKE SO MUCH HAD BEEN LIFTED OFF MY SHOULDERS AN IN MY HEART. I BEGAN TO FEEL REAL HAPPINESS AND CLARITY.
THEN EVENTUALLY I FALL… RIGHT BACK INTO THE “MUCK”, IS WHAT I CALL IT. THE WORST PART IS, I DECIDED TO TAKE MYSELF OUT OF THIS GROUP, FOR THE SIMPLE FACT THAT OUT OF ALL THE WOMEN THERE, I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE I CAME FROM, AND I KNOW I NEED MORE SERIOUS, ONE ON ONE, WITH FAMILY MEMBERS ALIKE, NOT STRANGERS WHO COME IN EVERY WEEK WITH OFF THE WALL STORIES, JUST TO GAIN ATTENTION. IT EVENTUALLY BEGIN MAKING ME FEEL I DIDN’T NEED TO BE WASTING MY TIME, SO I TRIED REACHING OUT TO THE LEADER, OUTSIDE OF GROUP. I PUT MY TRUST IN HER AND WHEN I DID, I NEVER EVEN GOT A RESPONSE. THAT SURELY DIDN’T HELP MY ISSUES OF TRUST AND ON TOP OF IT, THE LITTLE HOPE I HAD LEARNED TO GAIN, I FELT LIKE I WAS ROBBED OF.
IF YOU CAN FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO RESPOND BACK TO ME, PLEASE KNOW ANY HELP IS GOOD FOR A PERSON LIKE ME…. I KNOW IVE TAKEN UP MUCH OF YOUR TIME… THANK YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME TO BLESS PEOPLE’S LIVES THE WAY YOU DO!
Hi Jessica,
Thank you so much for sharing! I am so touched by your honesty and your pain.
I DO know what it’s like to live the life you are describing, both from my own experience and from the experiences of many other dear people that I have worked with in the past.
I’m so glad that my blog posts have been helpful to you! I do what I do because I honestly care.
If you have questions you would like answered, please let me know.
I hope you’ll stay on the ‘Growth Path’ and keep working through your issues. Whatever you do, don’t ever give up on your dreams!
Love and blessings,
Kari Joys