How to Enjoy Your Dysfunctional Family Holidays

With the holidays just around the corner, some of you who grew up in dysfunctional families may already be dreading the family holiday gatherings.

You may be bored with Great Aunt Martha who loves to talk about her latest illnesses or frustrated with Uncle Bob, who’s always drunk before he ever arrives. Dysfunctional family dynamics can be very difficult and challenging.

Demands and Expectations

Holidays are a time when families tend to have a lot of demands and expectations. Rather than asking you how you would like to participate, sometimes families simply expect or demand that you do things the way they want you to do them.

Some of you may have a Mom or Dad who was never there for you as a child, but now, as an adult, they demand all your time and attention. Going to the family gathering may remind you just how dysfunctional your family really is!

Children of dysfunctional families have many emotional issues to resolve to become healthy and happy. As a psychotherapist, I help my clients deal with those issues regularly. For those of you who want to avoid negative family experiences this year, I’ve got 8 tips to help you achieve your goal.

8 Tips to Avoid a Difficult Holiday

1. Work on your self esteem before the family gathering. Look into your own eyes in the mirror and saying kind, loving words to yourself, like “I love you just the way you are. You’re beautiful and special and important to me! I know better than anyone what you’ve been through.”

2. Visualize having a positive experience, but don’t expect other people to do what you want them to do. Before you go to the gathering, take time to imagine having fun while you’re there and feeling good about yourself when you leave. Just remember that you can’t make other people change. No matter how other family members behave, you can choose to handle things in a positive way.

3. Start the gathering on a positive, light-hearted note. Compliment every person there and ask them positive questions about their lives. Show a genuine interest in them and what’s going on in their lives.

4. Limit your alcohol intake, so that you stay positive and make healthy choices while you’re there. When you drink too much, it’s easy to get off track and say or do things that you feel sorry for later.

5. Keep your communication positive. If a conversation starts to turn negative, you can always change the subject, walk away or just say “I don’t think this is a good time to discuss that. Could we talk about it later?”

6. Share light-hearted humor that everyone can enjoy. Don’t laugh at other people’s expense, but find something to laugh about that is funny to everyone.

7. Decide how much time you are willing to spend, and plan an escape route if things get difficult. Remember that you are in charge of your life. If your family is difficult to be around, stop by for an hour or two and then go do something with people who are positive and supportive to you.

8. Give yourself time after the family gathering to process anything that was difficult for you. Take time to journal about your feelings or talk to a dear friend about anything that affected you negatively.What happens at the family gatherings often reminds you of old wounds that may still need some time and attention for healing.

Congratulate Yourself

Be sure to congratulate yourself if you handled things better this year than you have in the past. It’s an amazing accomplishment to go back into your dysfunctional family and handle things differently than you did previously.

You can’t change your family to make them give you what you always needed and wanted, but you can become a healthy and happy person today and learn to enjoy life on your own.

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